I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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