dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
