And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
