I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I CAN MOONWALK!
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
