I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
