I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
