im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
