Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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