I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
