i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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