Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
