Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
