every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
