I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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