guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
