here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
