If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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