i'm signing you up for texting rehab
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
