dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I believe in your delicious
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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