What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
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After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
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somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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