Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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