if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
