Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
