Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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