You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
