Your face is a jimmy john
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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