Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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