So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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