i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
