i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
