fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
