headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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