I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
