And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
FUCK WHALES
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