True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
The best revenge is premature balding
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
