So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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