she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
