Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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