Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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