is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
