i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
