the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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