Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
