there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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