If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
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I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
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Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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