I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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