I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
