A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I would ride that face into the sunset
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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