how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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