They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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