i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
