It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
