I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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