Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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