Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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