Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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