ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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